


Love the Way You Lie

by Phiso



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First War with Voldemort, Love/Hate, M/M, Songfic, Unhealthy Relationships, first wizarding war, post—hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-04-30 21:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5179958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phiso/pseuds/Phiso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius and Remus are falling apart but unable let go, allowing their destructive cycle to continue until someone else breaks it for them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love the Way You Lie

**Author's Note:**

> One of those crazed fics where you have an idea that won't shut up until you get it down. Now, I realize it's songfic, and I technically stopped writing songfic when I was 9, but I couldn't help it this time. It just. Wouldn't. Leave. And now I'm super fond of it, so here you go.
> 
> This story doesn't go chronologically, but rather references events within itself out of order throughout. Sorry about that.
> 
> This was originally posted without much editing in 2010, and re-posted with some changes in 2015.

_I can't tell you what it really is  
_ _I can only tell you what it feels like_

 

“Moony.”

There was a quiet intake of breath.

“Moony, where are you going?”

A bed squeaked, footfalls padded against the wooden floor.

Everything stilled.

“What are we, Sirius?”

Water dripped from a leaky sink.

“I don’t know." A shuddering sigh. "But it doesn't feel the same.”

And that perpetual, painfully sharp lump grew in his throat.

 

 _But I still fight  
_ _While I can fight  
_ _As long as the wrong feels right_

Who was this man in his arms?

Right now he felt like Moony, a cold, broken Moony, a Moony who was still bleeding into his bandages and waiting for his bones to finish fusing.

But he wasn’t always this Moony. Sometimes he wasn’t Moony at all; sometimes he was just this quiet, pale, tightly wound creature, with alert eyes and terse words. Sometimes Sirius thought that maybe Peter was right, that this Moony wasn’t their Moony, that their Moony had been left behind at Hogwarts with the rest of their invincible youth. Sometimes Sirius was afraid that this thing, this wolf in sheep’s clothing, had consumed the 40 year old boy while they were all looking away, and now all that was left was a predator waiting for the rest of its pack to arrive so it could strike.

But every now and then there was a spark in those amber-brown eyes, a twitch at the edge of those thin lips, that reminded Sirius of a thousand jokes and secrets and pranks, and Sirius wanted to believe that his Moony hadn’t completely disappeared, that he was still hidden away in there somewhere.

And so, as wrong as it was to hold this stranger, as wrong as it was to comfort the man who could be selling them all out, Sirius couldn’t let him go.

 

 _And right before I’m about to drown_  
_He resuscitates me_  
_He fucking hates me_

“Sirius!”

A crash and a terrified hoot. A buzzing silence, followed by shattering glass and tearing parchment.

“Sirius, please!”

“REGULUS, FUCK!”  
  
Sirius didn’t hear him, see him, but he felt Remus’s strong arms catch him before he hit the ground, seconds before he felt an angry scream tear out of his throat. Remus’s grip only grew stronger, but it was almost too strong; for a moment, Sirius couldn’t tell if Remus was trying to comfort or crush him.

 

“Wait.”

_I’m leaving you._

“Where are you going?”

_Come back.  
_

 

 _Here we go again_  
_It's so insane_  
_Cause when it's going good_  
_It's going great_

His head reeled when he saw Sirius waiting at the kitchen table for him that night, a dying candle perched at the middle of the table, a small, wrapped package sitting at Remus’s usual place.

Remus had forgotten it was March 10. He was 21 today.

There was the scrape of wood against wood and the rustle of fabric before soft caresses and broken laughter washed over them.

 

 _But when it's bad_  
_It's awful_  
_I feel so ashamed_

“I’m not a monster like you are, you fucking piece of shit. If it weren’t for us, you’d be in a fucking cage right now and you  _know_  it.”

 

 _I snap_  
_Who's that dude?_  
_I don't even know his name_

“Fuck off, you pampered little prince. You’re just like them, you always were. You just can’t bring yourself to fucking admit it.”

 

 _You ever love somebody so much_  
_You can barely breathe when you're with them_

Remus hated them.

He hated the people who had done this to Sirius, who had reduced him to this.

They couldn’t get close enough; sweaty skin against skin, hungry lips against lips, trembling hands clutching at skin. Sirius wanted to disappear in Remus; Remus wanted to swallow Sirius's tears for him.

Remus closed his eyes, dizzy as he tried to focus on the man in his arms, his heart skipping a beat for every pounding drum he felt coming from Sirius’s. He was holding something strong but fragile, glass on the edge of shattering, and Remus couldn’t bring himself to breathe, so afraid he was of breaking everything he ever held dear.

 

 _Now you're getting fucking sick_  
_Of looking at them_

Sirius couldn’t stand his face anymore.

It was always there, taunting him, confusing him and making him misstep every time. How could those lips smile so gently one moment and spill their secrets at another? How could this unfailingly caring and almost irritatingly kind soul be plotting the deaths of his best friends, after all they had done for him? How could Moony be betraying his pack?

But they were there, those seeds that made him doubt, that caused him to notice the cold edge in the wolf that hadn’t been there before and had him counting the number of times Remus would sidestep questions about his mysterious missions on behalf of the Order. The walls were back up, the walls from all the way back in their first year, and they indicated secrets and fear and a need for survival. Sirius hated those walls, and saw no reason for them to be back up. Unless...

And yet, every time Sirius was ready to confront him, to pin him down and demand answers, Remus would do something else that was so _him_ \- hum an old muggle love song, ask him to deliver Harry a small little gift, clean up every time Sirius forgot – and Sirius would trip on his own words.

He hated that fucking face, so endearing and scarred and carefully controlled as it was.

It reminded him of just how much he didn’t know.

 

_You swore you've never hit 'em  
Never do nothing to hurt 'em_

_Now you're in each other's face_  
_Spewing venom in your words when you spit them_

Sirius knew there was something wrong when he realized that he didn’t want to accompany Remus during the moons anymore, when he realized he didn’t want James or Peter there either because he was afraid for all of them.

He knew the excuses he gave were weak, full of holes, and he knew exactly why Remus was staring at him like that, his eyes burning and vicious and hurt. And yet, thinking of the dangers all around them, of all those mysterious disappearances ‘for the Order’ Remus wouldn’t explain, and of the wolf's increasing brutality over the past few months, Sirius found he didn’t care.

“If you’re going to back out, you could at least give me the real reason for it, you coward,” Remus growled, clearly on the defense now. “At least the rest of your family will admit to being a bunch of idiotic bigots.”

Sirius fixed him with a cold stare. “You don’t need me to bloody tell you what you already know.” Werewolf.

 

 _That was yesterday_  
_Yesterday is over_  
_It's a different day_

Every morning, they regretted everything they had done the night before.

Every afternoon, they tried fix themselves, to form the words they couldn’t say. Every evening, they said the words they could and broke it all over again.

And every night, they went to bed wondering what would be left the next day.

 

 _But you promised  
_ _(You don't get another chance)  
_ _But you lied again_

He had said that even Peter didn’t know much about the Potters’ whereabouts, that it wasn’t personal. That he would be there for the next moon, with company to spare. That he trusted him.

And the other had said that he understood why he couldn’t know the details about the Fidelius Charm, why it had to be only one. That they couldn’t have picked a better man. That he believed him.

And as the sun rose the morning after, both men realized that neither one of them had been telling the truth.

 

 _Now I know we said things_  
_Did things_  
_That we didn't mean_

“I’m so sorry.”

 

 _And we fall back_  
_Into the same patterns_  
_Same routine_

“Like hell you are.”

“Get the fuck out.”

 

 _Please come back_  
_It wasn't you_  
_It was me_  
_Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems_

The neighbors were used to it by now, he was sure. Some yells, something breaks, a door slams, a pause. Another door slam, and a stomping stampede of steps. A call, a pause, a few quiet paces and then a quiet entrance. It was like a ridiculously bad French movie, in which the protagonists couldn’t seem to decide whether they hated each other or loved each other.

Except this time, Sirius almost didn’t come after him. This time, there was a blazing fit of panic in his chest that made him think the entire world had shut off and he had suddenly gone mad.

Just as he was leaving the building, however, the door he was opening slammed shut against his will, and Remus turned to see Sirius with an expression just as white and shocked as his own.

It never took much to make him go back.

 

 _All I know is_  
_I love you too much_

Even when Sirius was furious, livid, there was something about those damned mugs with tea stains that made him want to cry.

And even when Remus was tired, resigned, there was something about the mingled smell of gasoline and cigarettes that was painfully comforting.

 

 _Next time I'm pissed_  
_I'll aim my fist_  
_At the dry wall_  
  
_Next time_  
_There will be no next time_

Sirius was shaking harder than Remus. Sirius shouldn’t be shaking at all. Sirius’s transformation wasn’t supposed to hurt.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered hoarsely, over and over, a desperate mantra. He sat up slowly, painfully, and gently took Sirius into his arms. “I don’t know what came over it, what came over me, honestly. I’m sorry, Padfoot. I’m so sorry.”

Remus pressed his face into his shoulder, ignoring the sharp pains that streaked beneath his skin as Sirius’s grip on him tightened. He wondered if that hurt Sirius as much as it hurt him.

“It’s all right, Moony,” Sirius murmured back, and Remus wanted to believe it.

Please come back, Remus prayed. I don’t want to go through this alone, I can’t. I won’t do this again, I promise.

Remus wanted to believe there would be a next time, another chance, another opportunity.

But wanting wasn’t the same thing as knowing.

 

 _I apologize_  
_Even though I know it's lies_  
_I'm tired of the games_  
_I just want him back_  
_I know I'm a liar_

“No, I understand,” Remus said in a quiet voice, the bitterness lacing his words only slightly. “It’s all right.”

“Peter doesn’t know either – I - it’s not personal, I promise. Its better this way,” Sirius tried, but Remus didn’t want to hear it. Of course it was better this way. Don’t tell the werewolf; he might bite the hand that feeds him, and then where would they be?

“Couldn’t have picked a better man,” Remus said hoarsely, looking down past his elbows on the table to a spot on the floor. Funny how the one who almost ruined his life years earlier by blurting his biggest secret to their biggest enemy was the one who was considered trustworthy enough to hold not one, but three in his hands. Was it because of _whose_ life it was?

“We’ll be there next time, for your next transformation,” Sirius offered now, and Remus fought the urge to snort. That was likely. “Maybe not James, but Wormtail and I, we’ll be there with you.”

Remus didn’t say anything.

The kitchen clock ticked.

Sirius took two strides forward; Remus watched his motorcycle boots make the trek, felt his body lean against the table and cast a shadow over the cold mug of tea. “We – _I_ trust you,” Sirius said firmly, but Remus didn’t look up; he didn’t want to see the effort Sirius was putting into his grand little show.

“I know,” he whispered, his words as soft as his heart felt heavy. But he didn’t know.

How did this happen? How did they get so far apart?

Sirius didn’t try and stop him when he left.

 

 _Just gonna stand there_  
_And watch me burn_  
_But that's all right_  
_Because I like the way it hurts_

Remus didn’t know where they’d been, but it didn’t really matter. He hadn’t expected any of them to come anyway. Not after the last time.

He stayed on the wooden floors for a little while, still, taking stock of his stinging gashes, his burning bones. It was a familiar pain, and one he likely deserved. Maybe this was his punishment for hurting Padfoot, for hurting Sirius. Maybe this is what he needed to appreciate what he had. Maybe if he made sure to hurt himself enough, he wouldn't hurt the others.

It wasn't until he sat up that he remembered what had happened two weeks before, and why no one had come.

 

 

_Just gonna stand there  
And hear me cry_

  
Sirius’s heart froze, and there was a brief moment of ringing silence before he hunched over and everything poured out on the ruins beneath him.

He coughed, his throat, chest, and eyes burning ruthlessly, but he could still see past the rising fear to the broken black frame in front of and below him. A strange, strangled sound bubbled somewhere in the back of his throat and frantically escaped in terrified, hysterical anguish, echoing in the quiet neighborhood before dying as quickly as it came.

A flash of memory crossed his mind, mixing the sound of the last lonely and wounded howl he had heard nearly-like-yesterday with a baby’s lost and pitiful shriek in his nearly-now, and Sirius’s knees hit the splinters.

 

 _But that's all right_  
_Because I love the way you lie_

“I love you.”

There was a pause.

“I love you, too.”

 

 

_I love the way you lie._

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Love the Way You Lie - Eminem featuring Rhianna


End file.
